Dear 15 year old me,
By now you've become jaded with everyday life, lost things that you can never have back and basically say the world can go fuck itself because it sucks. I'm supposed to tell you things will get better. Really, though, you're not completely wrong.
10 years have passed and you still lose people and animals who have touched your life. Life isn't fair and you knew it then. What changes is you are able to learn from having them in your life and grow because of them, for them. You've lost your grandmother by now, but the things she taught you have made you into a good person. Take pride in that. There are nowhere near enough of them.
You were right. The world sucks. I don't think I have to tell you that the capitalist system you scoffed at in your teenage angst and pseudo-intellectual discussion with other immature teens has indeed failed up. We're in a recession the likes that haven't been seen since right before the Great Depression. However, people have learned that things aren't the key to happiness. They're taking more interest in the people around them and in essence, becoming better for it. The world sucks just a little less.
You became jaded with life because the only thing you found joy in was writing and learning. Well, that's still true. You are learning to deal with pain like you never had, not even at 14. You are learning that people let you down; you are also learning that trusting people with your real self is fulfilling. You have a man that loves you more than life itself. You have friends who would do anything to see you happy and healthy. You have family, that you didn't know then, who want what's best for you.
You still write too. You wrote out your thoughts because things were bleak. You wrote to keep the darkness away. Now, you also write for the sheer joy of watching a character develop, a story arc coming to a close, or to touch a special someone.
So, in a way, things are the same. You still think for the most part that the world sucks and can fuck itself. You're still jaded, but are slowly learning not to be. You still lose, but you gain so much more. On the whole, it gets better.
I have no conceptual idea of how to start something that sounds like it will be the ravings of a lunatic; therefore I took the opportunity to lead off by using a 2 dollar word in my introduction.
ReplyDeleteThere is an intuition which I follow when it impresses itself upon me and for the last week it has been wearing away at me like the sand did the monoliths of Egypt. So I am reaching out to you in the only way I think it has a chance to make it to your attention.
I know you from roughly 10 years ago, during a very bad point in my life and I hurt you. I know I didn't do long term psychological damage, but I also didn't reinforce a positive concept of human beings for you either.
Consider this a 10 years past due apology. I'm sorry. You are, hands down, the person I felt the worst for doing wrong to in my past. I am truly, truly sorry.
Please note : I am not posting this to try to rekindle a relationship. I am happily married to my wife of 3 1/2 years. I just have to follow this intuition I have, and for whatever reason it led me to find you and send you this apology. I truly hope your life evolved in a way that made you truly happy. Thank you for having been a part of my life. You were a wonderful person then, and it looks like that has only become more true as time went on.
One final note, I have a morbid fear of discovering that one of my intuitions will lead me to discover that one of the people I reach out to is dead. So please reach out back in some way and let me know that you still draw breath. Sometimes this intuition leads me to things that I need to do for less than positive reasons.